THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: THIRD ISSUE!

[courier-gavin.livejournal.com]

CHLOE SPEAKS:
In this week's issue, we've chosen to exhibit some of the wide array of clubs that Fandom High has to offer. Because let's face it, if we have to be here at school, we might as well find time to have fun and do the things we enjoy, right? There are so many different groups here that there's undoubtedly something for everyone, from the Gun Club, to Wildcrafting, to the Science and Audio/Visual clubs. So, if you find yourself with free time after classes, homework, and fighting the latest infestation of zombies/hallucinatory drugs/sudden attacks of emo, be sure to check these groups out.

(The newspaper staff would like to point out that our meetings are held every Wednesday at 4:00 FHS, and we're always looking for new contributors!)

(Also, I would like to state for the record that no one is ever held hostage by the newspaper staff. We allow our people to come and go of their own volition, and anyone who says otherwise is merely suffering from caffeine deprivation that they would not be experiencing if they stopped hiding behind towers of styrofoam cups and started behaving as they're told.)


STUDENTS DRUGGED; WHAT'S BEING DONE TO PROTECT STUDENTS?
George Lass

Wednesday night was the worst night of my life.

No, honestly. Even worse than the whole getting-hit-on-the-head-with-a-toilet-seat thing -- worse than dying. Actually, now that I think about it, dying sorta tickles compared to the nightmare of the last ten hours.

To put it bluntly, I was drugged off my ass, against my will.

There're two assclowns skulking about Fandom Town -- you may actually have had the misfortune of meeting them before -- Jay and Silent Bob. The latter is the tubby bitch in the trench coat who smokes like a fiend and never says a word, hence the "Silent" moniker. Jay is the ugly one in the ski cap, who, I've heard, fashions himself as the "Clit Master." Their mission in life, it seems, is to sexually harass anything with a vagina (living or undead), and be the leading illicit drugs sales force in all of greater Fandom.

I understand the Fandom High Administration can only do so much to protect the student population, barring prohibiting students from leaving campus; I understand that Rover's Area of Concern is limited to school grounds. But if I remember correctly, Jay and Silent Bob were in attendance at the Homecoming Dance for some time before Rover bothered himself to remove them from school property. How many hits of brown acid were circulating by this time? How many opportunities did the Deficient Duo have to continually spike the punch?

(And I don't know about you, but that punch knocked me the fuck out. I don't even think you could technically (or legally) refer to it as punch by the time the Clit Master and his Hetero Lifemate were at last ousted.)

Security Officer Marty Blank has finally stepped up to the plate, and seems to be taking his position at Fandom High seriously. It's too soon yet to tell if his investigation will provide any real answers to those of us involved in Wednesday evening's debacle. The very least he could do is make sure, in the future, that Jay & Silent Bob's drug supply is pure.

I mean, seriously... Nothing sucks worse than a dime bag of skunk when you're expecting good Puerto Rican hydro.






NEW TEACHERS:

ANGUS MACGYVER
Alex Krycek

The influx of new teachers has given us a new list of classes from which to choose from, one of which is Shop, taught by Angus "Mac" MacGyver, who you may remember from a previous stay as a student here at Fandom High earlier this semester.

With no formal teaching education, MacGyver believes the skills he has picked up in his former career will "give students a different way of approaching a problem and helping them find a solution."

On his first visit to Fandom High, he heard about a student who became locked in a dishwasher for over three hours. He believes that if she had been a student of his, she might have been in there for only twenty minutes, utilizing the methods of improvisation taught in his class.

"I've also heard about Zombie invasions, Gremlin attacks and general gripes about the weapons ban," he says. "The point of these exercises are to help the student realize that whatever situation he or she may be in, there's always a solution. You just have to look for it. My manner of teaching may unorthodox, but I think it gets the point across."

Later this year he hopes to organize a real life trial of the skills students are learning in his class, if the school administration approves it.

There are still slots available should students wish to sign up. Mr MacGyver states that he is offering an opportunity to learn and have fun at the same time. The new Danger Shop also offers a safe environment in which to learn, using virtual reality to create situations where students can learn about the results of their actions without the possibility of real bodily harm.

In addition, Mr MacGyver offers use of the shop for wood and metal-working during his office hours on Thursday afternoons.


GEOFFREY CHAUCER
Angela Chase

Fandom High's English department has been reinvigorated with the addition of Geoffrey Chaucer to staff.

Chaucer -- and yes, he is the one you may have read works by at your old school -- will be offering classes titled "Introduction to Western Literature" and "Creative Writing: Poetry." Before coming to Fandom High, he most recently operated the business called Chaucer's, offering legal documents, original poetry, heraldic arms and other services, in Fandom Town. In his previous life in 14th-century London, he studied a variety of trades, including law, astronomy and physics, served as herald to a knight, and worked in the household of Lionel of Antwerp."But mostly, I'd call myself a writer," he says. Despite the lengthy resume, Chaucer is only in his mid-20's.

Of what he hopes students will learn from his course, he says, "If the only thing they take from my classes is a deeper appreciation for the art of writing, I'll be happy. Beyond that, it wouldn't sit badly with me for my poetry students to at least learn to tell a sonnet from a sestina, and for my literature students to read at least one work that they enjoy more than they thought they would."

Chaucer's classes are scheduled to begin meeting this Tuesday.




JUNIOR ACHIEVERS
Veronica Mars

You’ve heard of Junior Achievers. You may have heard good things about the club, or you may have heard bad things. Either way, you’ve definitely heard of them. But what do they do, you wonder?

According to Angelus, founder and head, “The mission of Junior Achievers is to encourage the best and brightest of Fandom High to actualize their full potential."

Translation: Junior Achievers encourages the unique talents of their members to help them recognize their full potential.

One of JA’s most important goals is to further the dialogue and understanding between human and non-human students on campus, as they attempted to do with the recent Student Council elections.

Unsavory rumors have circulated around campus about this group, mainly due to the fact that the founder of the club is a vampire. Other members include a wizard, a demon, a Jedi, and a vampire slayer. There are human members as well.

“We don't discriminate against anyone for any reason. If someone wants to be a part of our group, we're happy to have them,” Angelus said.

And to answer those rumors that the club is up to no good, Angelus invites anyone to attend a meeting. “The door is always open and our agenda is posted for anyone to see. You don't have to be a member to sit in.”

Upcoming events for Junior Achievers include a fashion show and a bake sale (which they will be baking all products for by hand so as to avoid another debacle like the Yearbook bake sale).


FENCING CLUB
Callisto

If there’s one thing that a number of Fandom High students like, it’s their weapons. If there’s anything that these students like more, it’s the chance to use them in a safe, responsible, manner in a structured environment. Honing their skills and learning new ones. For the sword wielders of Fandom High, Fencing Club is that place.

Under the leadership of Hamlet Dane Jr, a swordsman of some seven years experience, members of the fencing club spar with blades that range from spathas, to broadswords, to cutlasses, to rapiers. One might think these meetings are, by the nature of activities taking place there, angry and aggressive, but in fact Hamlet describes his fellow members as "respectful".

In his plans for the future of the club, Hamlet would like to organise both field-trips and the bringing in of outside instructors to help expand members' knowledge of sword technique.

To this end, Hamlet asks that anyone who knows of possible field trip locations, or sword instructors contact him. He can be reached either in person or via his voicemail.


DEEP THOUGHT
Rory Gilmore

What is one to do when faced with the angst-ridden, deep-thought-provoking living we do here at Fandom High?

Go to the Deep Thoughts Club, of course!

According to the founders of said organization, the Deep Thoughts club is, “…a place to give the students at FH that aren't, you know, happy all the time, a place to talk to each other. If they want to. They don't have to talk.” – Anakin Skywalker. Hamlet Dane described it slightly differently: “For those of us with more encompassing views of the world, it is a place that permits us to share what we with in our unique insights with each other.”

When asked if this was just an excuse for emo angstpuppies to cuddle, Dane had this to say: “I would suspect that those who are considered "emo" would form our core membership, but I would see no reason to forbid entries. the Deep Thoughts club is a place for anyone with teh angst deep thoughts to convene.”

And when this reporter asked Skywalker how this would aid students in their daily lives, he replied, “Well, I wouldn't call Hamlet and I experts in deep thoughts or anything although we could brood professionally but I think it can't hurt to have a group of students concentrating on non-frivolous matters.”

The Deep Thoughts club meets Thursday evenings in the music room where Anakin does not play his banthabell sullenly.


YEARBOOK
Rory Gilmore

Even at Fandom High, where zombies run rampant and chickens wave Uzis, people are still not so very unusual that they don’t want memories of their time spent at school. Hence…the Fandom High Yearbook Staff, who have taken it upon themselves to capture the essence of the school, and commit it to a reasonably-sized book!

The staff is divided into three categories – photographers, writers, and layout consultants. Each part is integral, and without it, the others would fail. Additionally, the staff is always looking for new additions.

The staff looks forward to turning out a lovely yearbook, as well as future club functions.* They meet most Tuesdays at seven, in varying locations. Contact them via voicemail if you're interested in joining.

* The yearbook staff (and their editor in chief, yours truly) would like to once again apologize for the problems associated with our bake sale last month. It will not happen again.


GUN CLUB
Alex Krycek

If you have an interest in firearms, then perhaps the Gun Club might be the extra-curricular activity for you. Be aware, though, that in addition to increasing the members' familiarity with native weaponry and that of different cultures, the focus is largely on safety awareness and teaching the skills to use firearms responsibly.

Given the recent weapons ban discussions on campus, the Gun Club might seem to be a questionable activity for the faculty to allow. M Parker, the founder of the club, believes that there are no issues that might make the Gun Club problematic, no matter your views on the subject.

"Rover closely monitors all action at the gun range. But we have had no accidents, or incidents," she assured us. Principal Connor is the faculty advisor for the club and, as of this time, there have been no infractions against any member for a weapons violation of any kind. Parker continued, saying, "I think that needs to be recognized; our members have respect for their weapons, but have not seen fit to contravene any rules laid down by the school."

Anyone is invited to join, regardless of their level of experience, from expert to beginner. The meetings are held on Fridays at 4pm, though the gun range itself is open 4-8pm Monday through Friday and 12-8pm on Saturday and Sunday.


AUDIO-VISUAL AND TECHNICAL THEATRE CLUB
Chloe Sullivan

For any aspiring directors or filmmakers, the Audio-Visual and Technical Theatre Club offers students a unique hands-on experience. According to the club's founder, Scooter, "Students can learn to work with all sorts of audio-visual equipment, from old technologies such as film projectors and record players to cutting-edge things like computer-based sound-mixing and video production."

But the club isn't just about audio-visual equipment. Club members "also have opportunities to learn all the technical aspects of theatre work: light and sound design, scenery design and construction, stage management, props and costume construction and deployment." No experience is required in order to join the club - all that is needed is the desire and drive to learn.

The club meets every Wednesday from 5-7 p.m. in the school theatre, and free food is always served.


THE MALE FANS OF CELINE DION
Callisto

While not actually an official school club, the Male Fans of Celine Dion, or MFCD as it’s more commonly known, has captured the imaginations of Fandom High students in a breathtaking fashion.

So, what exactly is the MFCD? In the words of vice-president and co-founder John Crichton, "It's a club for those men who have a particular interest in the music of Celine Dion". President Cameron Mitchell adds that the main inspiration was to create a place that could "make everyone comfortable with their fandom".

Thus far the MFCD have held one meeting, held at the Millennium Falcon, it was attended mostly by students, with an unnamed member of faculty there to lend support and advice and in a completely unrelated aside, I have never been prouder to be Coach Ash’s TA.

What lies in the future for the MFCD? Cameron mentioned a potential shake up in club policies, while Crichton hopes to one day organise a field trip to the beautiful city of Las Vegas in order for members to actually see their idol in person.

And as for those rumours that it’s merely the front for a secret society of male virgins?

Completely and utterly false.


SCIENCE CLUB
Veronica Mars
Would you like to blow things up on campus and get away with it? If your answer is yes, you may want to consider joining Fandom High’s Science Club.

According to Lisa Cuddy, club founder and co-chair, the science club was created to fulfill a void in academic clubs on campus.

“There are students on this campus who have a stronger background in the sciences than the average high school student,” she said. “There are a lot of clubs on this campus, but not many are geared toward the academic. Science Club gives students with those types of interests an opportunity."

The club meets on Thursdays in the Science Lab and is sponsored by Ms. Sidle. Past experiments include blowing things up in microwaves, glass blowing and building battle bots.

“We're also going to have a Science Fair, but not until Second Semester. I'd also like to have a guest speaker come in and take a field trip at some point,” Cuddy said.

Science Club is open to all students of all abilities and would be a positive addition to any permanent record.

“Our projects are certainly more entertaining and challenging than building a volcano out of Paper Mache. And yeah, we blow stuff up on campus and get away with it. How can you pass that up?"







It’s been a week full of comings and goings, crying and carrying on, and it seems like the entire dorm is making it with someone or several someones except the columnist who only screws in subtext apparently, so let’s get right to it.

As if they haven’t had enough angst, Security Officer Marty and soulful redhead Angela have broken up. Neither seems happy about it, but please don’t suggest they should hurry up and get back together. Please.

Looks like there’s been trouble in paradise for Chaucer as well. He’s been spotted around town moping, stressing, flirting, and none of it with the lady who’d held his heart until this week. Poor Geoff. As if being a sensitive poetic type weren’t bad enough, now he has to do it alone.

Duce has been behaving a mite oddly as well. According to sources, she was seen leaving the Bada Bing this weekend. One wouldn’t want to speculate unduly on what she’d been doing, but one can’t help but wonder what Oz her friends would think if they knew.

On the other hand, one needn’t speculate unduly to imagine what Chiana you little tralk! has been up to. One can’t even keep track of how many times her name has been mentioned since Homecoming even, but this week she was seen leaving Han’s ship and in the company of a notorious gun-toting lothario.

Once again, Professor CJ Cregg has been showing off her popularity and her incredible gams. She’s been seen around town with a handful of eligible men, and rumor has it, she and the new teacher Tara Maclay My Lady hit it off brilliantly. So well, in fact that CJ spent the night, wore My Lady’s clothes, and brought My Lady a cake the next morning. Uh, Doctor? You might want to look to your lady.

Speaking of the new teacher… she’s caused quite a stir with her Ethics class Master-slave assignment. Fortunately, OTP Phoebe Halliwell and Cole Turner Emodemon Belthazor got placed together, or one knows suspects heads might’ve rolled (or burst into flames). At least one well-placed source reports the couple seems to be enjoying the assignment a little too much, but who can fault them really?

Others had more difficulty with the assignment …at least at first. But My Lady, Daddy, and Rabbit seem to be bringing the chaos under control. Some students may leave the class over it, and Monday is the real test, but My Lady promises she won’t ask students to do anything she wouldn’t do. Judging by the blushes and subtext she sported over breakfast with one of her students and in overhead conversations with one of her TAs, that might just be true.

Perhaps not unrelated to the Ethics class assignment, Buffy Summers paid My Lady a visit during her office hours. Buffy’s been out patrolling alone again. But if the look on her face in detention this weekend means anything, she might not be alone much longer. In fact, detention proved an ingathering of subtexty blondes this week. Veronica Mars also paid a few lingering looks to someone, but we’re not saying who.

Weirdly – or perhaps not, this being Fandom – Phale seems to have acquired a new Master as well. Or at least a new very possessive friend. The proper, almost to the point of being stuffy, Phale has been seen with an incredibly sexy newcomer called Crowley. Crowley, by all accounts is a flash bastard, polite as you please, but not nice. Not even a little. And his manner with Phale, lingering glances, constant touching…it’s almost as if he means to keep Phale in check. Time and research will surely tell.

Serenading also seems to be contagious in Fandom. Last week it was Daniel Jackson. This week it’s Lindsey McDonald who’s caught the bug. According to our sources, he’d written the song himself – bravo Lindsey! – and can actually sing, something we feel sure Piper Halliwell is supremely grateful for. The lyrics delivered to this office weren’t bad either:

She is pretty as a picture
She is like a golden ring
Circles me with love and laughter
I can't feel a thing

Nothing to mock there. If his analytical skills match his creative ones, looks like Lindsey won’t have any trouble achieving his debate-stated goal of financial security or probably of winning Piper’s heart.

Captain Emo makes the list this week for his unusually cheerful behavior. Adama’s been spotted around the dorms telling just about anyone who will listen how Kara Thrace got a letter from the Colonial Pyramid League. Not only that but to hear Adama tell it, she’s the goddess of his heart at least - beautiful and wonderful and talented and, to quote, ‘yay!’.

If that weren’t sweet enough, two other couples have been giving us diabetes this week. Anders and Cally have been PDAing like mad, the little cuddle sluts, and it’s possible that Cally has been offered a permanent key to his room. With the cooing and whispering and blushing, it’s like a pound of cotton candy. Allie and Logan are at it with the sugar-high too. They went mini-golfing this week. Mini-golfing! Apparently Allie knows more about relationships than golf, and Logan’s shin has the bruise to prove it. Still, it didn’t seem to have any impact on the sweetness-meter; the two have been kissing and handholding and carrying on all week.

In honor of Parent’s Weekend we need something wholesome to show them, damn it we’re holding a special election. No, not for Academic Affairs, but for the Most Saccharine couple. Allie and Logan, Anders and Cally, or write in your own choice. The winners will be lauded severely mocked and may even win a totally innocent night on the town.

Well, that’s all from Shipping News, but we do have two letters from our lovelorn readers.

Dear Beka & Phoebe:

Do you have any advice for ways to avoid your ex without making it seem
like you're avoiding them? Our breakup wasn't exactly friendly and we keep running into each other. I don't want to be obvious about my avoidance, but it's hard for me to deal with emotionally.

Thanks!

Signed: Still in love with the jerk


Dear Still in Love With The Jerk,

In a place like high school it can sometimes be hard to avoid the ones we wish to without them realizing what we're doing. If you keep running into them and it's hard for you to deal with emotionally, why should you be so concerned about not letting him know you're avoiding him? Right now, you're still hurting and your emotions are very raw. We speak from experience when we say you need to do what is best for you. For right now, just avoid him and to hell with what it looks like. Soon you'll be doing just fine and his presence won't bother you any longer.

Love,
Phoebe and Beka

Dear Beka and Phoebe,

How does a guy go about impressing a girl who towers above him like a
massive beautiful towering thing? My chin wibbles every time I see her, and now I can't get her out of my mind. Am I doomed? Is there any hope
for me to put a dent in her beautiful, massive love armor?

- Chin Wibbling Fool


Dear Chin Wibbling Fool,

Maybe the need is not so much to impress her, but to have enough confidence in yourself to approach her and ask her out. Just because her beauty and her height take your breath away, it doesn't mean you are doomed. Start slow and small. Ask her to help you with your work or something like that. Let her get to know you before you regale her with thoughts on her beauty.

Love,
Phoebe and Beka

See you in seven, and don’t forget to vote for the “Most Saccharine Couple” later this week.


HORRORSCOPES
Skiffees - Choosey moms reject Peter Pan.
Koufee uhdiiktses - Beware the nectar of the Spider-God of Truth.
Otie You-Rin - Your bonds may be strong but your 'Danes may be fickle.
Touwinees - The bubble of safety knows bounds, are you prepared to cross them?
Tawinz - The broken mirror does not always bring bad luck.
Iiimoke Ids - At the pinnacle of sensitivity no person is truely sad.
Een Somnii Ahcts - The younest one is often your friend in the land of nocturnal waking.
Staw Kars - It's always the quite ones who speak the loudest.
Mowlitiepoll kareekters - Disassociative Personality Disorder is what happens when the brain protects itself from something it cannot handle. Who helps you most?
Vuher Gens - Beware the left eye of the moon, for he knows not what she does.
Skube Eeiez - The shining hats of justice are not always pristine.



Coffee Pin-Up










credits:
editors: Chloe Sullivan & Jake Gavin jr
layout: Jake Gavin jr
words: Chloe Sullivan, George Lass, Alex Krycek, Rory Gilmore, Callisto, Veronica Mars, Jack O'Neill, Angela Chase, Beka Valentine, Phoebe Halliwell
pictures: D'Anna, gettyimages, Jake Gavin jr
coffee pin-up artist: Paul Kenton