fhightimes | THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: Volume 4, Ninth Edition!

RIKKU SPEAKS:

Wow, this semester just flew by, didn't it!? It seems like just yesterday we were getting our class assignments and now, it's nearly break! Okay, this isn't my holiday or anything, but it's neat seeing everyone get into the spirit of it. The music's all cheery, and there are lots of smiles everywhere! I can almost forgive the weather for being this cold and awful, when I'm sipping some yummy hot chocolate. (Almost!)

But don't forget, break isn't here yet! We still have finals to go through!! Remember to set yourself a study schedule, so you're using your time efficiently. Highlighters and note cards can help you keep organized. You can also try stopping in to see your teachers during office hours, to ask for hints on what to study. You never know, they just might tell you!!

Good luck, Fandom! I hope we all pass with flying colors!

Fruitcake: Just Say No
by Lee Adama

At first glance, fruitcake might look like a tasty treat, full of many vitamins and minerals that are typically needed for growing girls and boys. Come on, who doesn't like chocolate chip cookies or banana nut bread? And, since those are baked into things, we might, as a population, start generalizing that all things like that might be exquisite.

We would all be wrong. Fruitcake is, to put it bluntly, gross. It's not a tasty treat and while it might provide some vitamins and minerals, one could just as easily find those in something good like a banana or a some frakking dirt. Fruitcake isn't good. Fruitcake shouldn't be eaten. Fruitcake should be used to toss at someone's head as a last resort weapon.

Giving it as a gift might seem like a good idea at the time but let me tell you, it's not. The recipient of the fruitcake most likely won't even eat it. It'll sit untouched on their desk, growing mold and soaking up ambiance in a way that only fruitcake can. It'll become hard like a brick, ready to be thrown at the first troll or cheating significant other that might come their way. So, yes, it might be useful but not in the intended way.

You might be thinking that perhaps your fruitcake will be different. You'll stop this horrible process of bad fruitcakes being given for gifts. Unfortunately, that probably won't happen. Fruitcake tastes like Play Doh at the best of times and clay at the worst. Fruitcake is the equivalent of slapping ink on a cracker and eating it. Fruit, in that form, just doesn't belong in bread. Keep them separated, keep your digestive tracts safe.

Take it from me, just say no to fruitcake this holiday season.

by T. R. Wexler

This Week: Things Reborn

After a great deal of trauma involving a very large dog with an insatiable appetite that included very cultivated interviews, this week's business spotlight have finally made it to press! This week, we take a look at Things Reborn, a second-hand store owned by one Mister Ben Reilly.

And, no, they don't do trade on hell-beasts. I tried.

He has, however, put out the challenge to find the weirdest thing anyone in Fandom has to try to sell to him, so get out there! Do not disappoint me, dear readers! At the time of the interview, the strangest thing that happened to him so far was that his employee brought in her roommate, who had turned into a pig. Clearly, Mister Reily has many more things to look forward to, and supposes that, one day, he might turn into a gorilla.

Either way, Things reborn is about 'giving things a second chance,' say Mister Reilly, which means that he both buys and sells old things to make them new, in a way, to someone else. He can't do the neat trick that pizza makers do where they toss the dough up, but he is a photographer as well as a second-hand shop owner, and he rides motorcycles, which is very cool. Seduced by the appeal of a small town that always keeps one on their toes, Mister Reilly comes from a superhero New York, like many others before him. He seemed to take our conversation about Fandom Island's oddities in stride, which only means one thing, dear readers.

It is up to you to properly get out there and break this man's brain. I am counting on you!

by Cal Stephanides

This Week: Family and the Holidays

The end of the year in this world means a lot of holidays, and, with holidays, come families; at least, that's the Earth tradition. It might be new to some of you not from this time or this planet, but, as a third generation Greek American, family is practically an institution in my life, especially during this time of the year. So I have a lot of experience in dealing with them during these crazy times, and would like to offer a few helpful tips to survive.

Headphones. Extremely handy things; just practice your 'I'm listening' face and no one will even tell!

Reading material. The more extreme the topic, the more likely your relatives will just look at you funny instead of trying to talk to you. I highly suggest anything about sexuality or taxidermy. Or both.

Don't insult the cooking. Just grin, bear it, and keep on chewing. Remind yourself that this, too, must end.

Don't underestimate the power of television. Assuming you come from a place that has it. It's probably far more interesting than your aunt or that guy who used to be friends with your dad who still comes to these things.

Go outside. Who cares if it's probably cold and snowing? That means no one else will want to follow you.

If it moves, don't eat it.

If you still don't want to eat it, move it around. Mess it up on your plate a little for the illusion of having at least been consumed a little.

If that still isn't working, it might help to sit next to the dog / cat / family giant flesh-eating spider.

Help out in the kitchen. You might be surprised how easily one can get away with striking certain relatives with utensils or pots or pans when there's a considerable bustle going on, preparing food.

Last, but not least, simply take a moment to tell that obnoxious relative almost anything about what fun things happen on Fandom Island. Unless you're from a place just as special, they'll slowly back away and, out of pure politeness, probably not even mention anything to your parents about your unfortunate condition.

by Warren Peace

Squirrels.

Okay. I was going to rant about something huge this week, like laser cannons falling into the wrong hands, or cold weather without snow, or the weirdness that's been plaguing the island since the beginning of December (and really, the Christmas Carols can go away any minute now), but then I was kidnapped.

By squirrels.

Do the rodents who assist in the running of the radio station have some sort of secret agenda? Are they gathering the notes on our activities around the island for the sake of the news, or are they covering up some top-secret plan to take over the world? I know top-secret world takeover plans, guys. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me.

And, I mean, just look at them. They've got those big, fluffy tails, sure. But those are just to distract you from their beady little eyes. Their voracious appetites. Their tendency to get into anything and everything you never wanted them to shred and bury. Their wee little fedoras.

Squirrels. Evil incarnate in a small, fuzzy package.

And also, they insisted I drink the rum tonight after abducting me for the radio broadcast out of the blue. So I'll probably regret this article in the morning. This article, and my lack of Advil. So for now, I'll just shut my flaming trap.

Saggitarius
November 23 - December 21
Dude, you are so totes on today it's not even funny. Use that focus to give someone the time of their life. You won't regret it tomorrow.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 20
If you wanna score, you gotta do more. Don't go for the easy lay this week.

Aquarius
January 21 - February 19
No worries. That rash? Totally not an STD. But lotion up regardless.

Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Make food fun. Do something dirty with pie.

Aries
March 21 - April 20
Money is your word of the day. If your wallet's full, buy your BFF a prezzie.

Taurus
April 21 - May 21
Wake up to some morning sex. Reading the paper late? Take a sexy nap to get on track.

Gemini
May 22 - June 22
That dude you like is totes giving you the eye today. Go for the gold and wear protection.

Cancer
June 23 - July 23
You're a giver, cancer, but don't forget that you will always take everything away and make all the people around you cry when you do.

Leo
July 24 - August 23
Everyone likes a nice, long, hard journey. Give the gift that keeps on giving this season.

Virgo
August 24 - September 23
Go deep with new people. Both of you will appreciate it.

Libra
September 24 - October 23
Equality is a good thing to aim for, but dude, someone's always gonna get a little more. It's life. Accept and move on.

Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
There's a lot of interrupting going o-let's make it all for one and all for love! When there's someone that you know, well just let your feelings show and make it all for one and all for loooove! See what I mean?

Coffee Pin-Up

credits:

editor: Rikku
words: Lee Adama, Toby Moraitis, Warren Peace, Rikku, Cal Stephanides, T. R. Wexler
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the amazing Rory Gilmore, the marvelous Peter Parker, and the humble Rikku
adviser: Ghanima Atreides

Questions? Concerns? Got a hot tip? Send a letter to the editor: letters.fhightimes@fandomhigh.edu!