fhightimes | THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: VOLUME 3, 2nd EDITION!

PETER SPEAKS:

Now that I have an issue under my belt, I think it's time to use my incredible pull among the Fandom media elite to champion one of my pet causes from last year. That pet cause? The Pony Rewards System.

Quite frankly, we have a terrifying number of brilliant students here at Fandom High. Students for whom an A is nothing special. Students who barely have to try for a perfect score. What are they getting if they push themselves farther? An A++? Big deal. They need motivation to push themselves to their limits and nothing could possibly motivate people quite like the promise of a pony.

Get a perfect score and do a lot of extra credit? Sure you get an A+. You also get a pony.

Jump from a C average to a solid A average? Pony for improvement.

Pass a class that you never showed up to because you're just too good? No pony for you, you're not pushing yourself hard enough.

The Pony Rewards System is the ultimate method of getting people to giddy-up to class. Fandom High administration, it is your responsibility to make it happen.

This weekend saw no meeting for Student Council, because we were busy putting out the awesomeness that was homecoming. Earlier in the day, as the alumni trickled in and got reacquainted with all their old friends, they got to do so at the carnival. Before a backdrop of ferris wheels and bumper cars and that strength test thing that makes most people look really inferior, people were reunited, friends were made, and many many calories were consumed, probably leaving many in some cardiovascular distress. Lay off the cotton candy. You won't be young forever, and your arteries will feel it first.

At night, the homecoming dance was put on in the Town Hall. The theme was Fandom's Greatest Hits, and was decorated very nicely, if I do say so myself. And I totally do. There were many lovely backdrops against which to take pictures to remember the momentous night. Unless you sat in the corner the whole time and did nothing, in which case, why did you even bother going, let alone take a picture? Those that did so seemed to have a good time, jamming out the best music and partially-unspiked punch, though I have no idea who was involved and therefore this paper can't be used as evidence.

Your votes throughout last week elected Bart Allen and Jenny Sparks as Homecoming Lord and Lady, Sam Winchester and Turtle Wexler as Duke and Duchess, Jim Halpert, Katara and Rikku as our Prince and Princesses [Our staff is packed with royalty! -Ed.], and this is why there should be a clearer social hierarchy, because ties are difficult to dance to. Finally, our King and Queen were Peter Pevensie and Dawn Summers. Congratulations to everyone, and I hope everyone had a fantastic time!

FANDOM: WHERE CULTURES COME TOGETHER. ALSO, CHOCOLATE.
By Katara

The students at Fandom come from all different places and times. So sometimes we probably don't all realise that what one person might take for granted seems silly and strange to another person. Like where me and my brother come from, we don't have space. The area above us is the Spirit World. The moon and ocean are both spirits that could be killed, and only one person can be the bridge between the two worlds. For other people - like Lee Adama and Luke Skywalker and John Sheppard - the sky is actually space. You can fly ships right up into it and go to other worlds. I haven't ever been there, but they tell me it's real.

Other people come from places where people might where costumes all the time like Professor Deadpool or where girls can only where skirts or a hundred other things. One person I spoke to (who I totally had a fun time with last Friday) said he liked Fandom better than Michigan because people liked things other than sports. Maybe it's easier to do that when there are dinosaurs or evil principals invade every so often.

Oh! And one more thing. When you meet a new person who isn't from the same world as Fandom? Make sure they know about chocolate. And cheesecake. That's very, very important and sometimes people forget. You don't want it on your conscience that someone went another day without chocolate, do you?

LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED
By Rikku

Wow, it's fall, isn't that great?! So I'm back teaching you all how to speak Al Bhed with this column that I like to call "Learn to Speak Al Bhed!!!" I'm not too creative with names but that's okay. For those of you who are new, this is a column where I teach you handy phrases and expressions in Al Bhed, which is the language spoken by the Al Bhed, which is the name of my people. Nobody here speaks it except me. Oh! And Alec was learning it (HI ALEC!) because he's cool like that, and now Lulu (HI LULU!) is here teaching Sex Ed, and she speaks it too!!! So you can try these out on me or either of those two!!! Doesn't that sound like fun???

Hello. My name is ____________.
Rammu. So hysa ec ____________.

I have many interesting classes this fall!
E ryja syho ehdanacdehk lmyccac drec vymm!

Everyone looked very nice at Homecoming!
Ajanouha muugat jano hela yd Rusalusehk!

Have you ever seen a ghost?
Ryja oui ajan caah y krucd?

I have missed teaching Al Bhed to you all.
E ryja seccat daylrehk Al Bhed du oui ymm.

Okay, so, it's that easy! Things are pretty easy to pronounce but if you have trouble just ask. And if there's anything you ever want to learn, just e-mail me and I'll put it in the next article, isn't that cool?? See you next week! (Caa oui haqd faag!)

ZOE WASHBURN: FANDOM'S PRINCIPLE PRINCIPAL
By Charlie McGee

It's a long way from working a planet-to-planet transport spaceship to being in charge of a school like Fandom High but Principal Zoe Washburn is glad to have made the switch. "I came here for a change of pace and because my closest friends told me it would be a good idea. I only thought they were wrong for a little while."

Having recently returned from maternity leave after the birth of her daughter, Grace Winchester, Principal Washburn is quick to give credit to her fellow faculty members for holding down the fort while she was gone. "Vice Principal Hades, since he managed to keep the school as standing as it was at the time.... Aly [of Pirate's Swoop] and Deadpool, for everything they did to keep things going smoothly while I was on leave." Principal Washburn also added that no one like the former Temporary Principal, Dolores Umbridge, will be returning. "There's no way I'm going to let anyone like her come back."

She says that her favorite things about Fandom include "getting to interact with the students, even the crazy ones. And giving detention. That's almost always entertaining.... My only warning is that students shouldn't be afraid to come to me if they need to. I'm only scary when I really have to be."

"For the school, my plans are just to keep everyone safe, and keep the school from getting blown up again, if at all possible," she concluded. "Personally, my biggest focus is on Grace. I don't see that changing for a while."

Fandom High is glad to welcome Principal Washburn back to the big office this semester.

Hello and welcome to another round of Horoscopes! With me, Rikku, and this time I've got a Jamie with me since Alanna left. Say hi, Jamie! [I can't say it. I can write it and then they'll read it. That being said. "HI JAMIE!"]

We realized that the typical signs are all wrong and so instead of just giving you horoscopes based on old, outdated signs, we're giving you new signs and this week's horoscope. Aren't we ever so nice?

January: The Aspirin Bottle. Expect late nights of partying with extreme moments of regret the next morning.

February: The Shoebuckle. Everyone thinks you're a hopeless romantic. They couldn't be more wrong. You like nothing more than to lay around waiting to be useful. Yes, Shoebuckles are painfully lazy. They also can't spell the word "chocolate." They love it, but they can't spell it. The humanity!

March: The Leprechaun. You are a leprechaun. Kids chase you around and demand tasty marshmallows cereal. Give up the goods and live in peace.

April: The Administrative Assistant. Why can't you ever file your paperwork? That T-report has been on your desk for three weeks, young lady. Either mail it in or take it out to the woods to free it, but leaving it in your Inbox like that is just cruel.

May: The Blockbuster. You may begin wearing white clothing but avoid showering with any one from the April sign unless they bring you flowers.

June: The Newlywoe. You will attend a wedding. It will be a nightmare of pain, drama, and fiery destruction. Grab a bottle of Jack and hide under the head table with that cute bridesmaid. At least there's an open bar.

July: The Charcoal Briquette. You will be roasted over an open flame and served on a bun with mustard.

August: The Picky Eater. You will be at the barbecue where they serve up July with a side of mustard. Don't worry, July tastes excellent.

September: The Textbook. Your life is dominated by homework. Ignore it and flunk out school. Maybe you can work for the devil as a bounty hunter.

October: The Jack-o-Lantern. Children will be walking up and down your street with knives, hoping to carve out your innards and put candles inside your head. We recommend locking your door. Or moving to a less psycho town, you freak.

November: The Drumstick. Expect irrational dysfunctional arguments with the people close to you followed by a large dinner and then football.

December: The Cheap Gift-Giver. Everyone knows your game. You find kitschy items on clearance and give them to anybody who wanders by. No, your aunt Edna doesn't need a singing snowman ornament. You must be stopped.

The Fine Print
By Peter Parker

For the record, there were two former editors of the Fandom Hightimes in town last weekend who could have read our first issue of the year. Neither of them demanded my head. This is either because they both liked it or didn't read it. Either way, I'm happy about my head's relative location to my body.

Coffee Pin-Up

credits:

editor: Peter Parker
words: Cher Horowitz, Katara, Jamie Madrox, Esq., Charlie McGee, Peter Parker, Rikku
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the amazing Rory Gilmore, the modest Peter Parker, the great Rikku, and the magnificent Google

Questions? Comments? Complaints? Send a letter to the editor: letters.fhightimes@fandomhigh.edu