fhightimes | THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: VOLUME 3, 6th EDITION!

PETER SPEAKS:

Here we are, apparently in the middle of another Fandom crisis. A lot of people are sick, our communications with the outside world are down, and things are just generally kind of worrisome. This is unlike anything seen in Fandom at least since I've been here.

I'm not a doctor (obviously) and I currently have no insight into this at all, so I'll just tell everyone to try to stay hydrated and if you're not feeling well, get to the hospital in Town Hall right away. Here's hoping everyone gets through this quickly and in good health.

TO WHOEVER IS SENDING ME ALL OF THAT E-MAIL
By Rikku

Hiya. This is Rikku, one of the staff members on the paper, and I've been getting a lot of e-mail lately and whoever it is that's sending it really doesn't know anything about me and can't spell too well either so I wanted to clear a few things up.

1) I AM A GIRL!!!

Rikku is a girl's name, okay?! I'm totally a girl. Anybody that's met me can tell you. Very, very much not a guy.

So whoever keeps sending me these emails about enhancing ... things? Guy-things? I don't have one in the first place.

And hey! What's with the assumptions, here? 'Cause if I was a guy, I would totally have an awesome one that didn't need ... you know. Enhancing. Just saying.

2) AGAIN: GIRL!!!

Those horny coeds shouldn't be craving anything of mine, 'cause I don't have one. I'm really sorry to let them down and all. Can you tell them nicely?

It was nice of you to assume it was "humungous", though. I mean, I still don't have one? But that's a much nicer assumption, really.

3) I DON'T SMOKE.

So I don't need to quit smoking. Even if you offer the cheapest prices of anyone ever for your pills that'll stop me from smoking.

4) I DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING.

Not the weird computer program things that are really cheap, or the killer buds - are those like mandragoras? Because if you need someone to take care of those, I can, I'm good with fiends - or the you-know-what enhancers. If I want to buy something, I'll send you an e-mail. I promise.

5) I DON'T HAVE AN EBAY ACCOUNT.

I'm pretty sure my account is secure from hackers and whatever else you were trying to say. So I didn't bother going to your site and logging in again to be sure. Kinda wouldn't help anything.

6) I DON'T HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT, EITHER.

I'm really, really sorry about your dad getting killed, even though he's the king, and I'm not sure I follow why you can't just move the money yourself? But I don't think I should be giving you my bank account information anyway, even if I had one. Someone else could get that and do bad things, couldn't they?

If you need someone to come over to Nigeria or wherever and deal with the people who killed your dad, I mean, I can help, but I don't need your money for that. It's very sweet of you to offer.

7) I THINK MAYBE YOU NEED HELP?

jew, in feminine habiliments.details, nor distracted by a variety of circumstances. a: that sounds good. i'm going

That right there? That's not really a sentence. I mean, I can't get that to make any sense. Are you sure you're feeling okay?

All right! I hope that clears some things up. In the meantime, please stop e-mailing me.

Thanks!

ON MARSUPIALS AND SOCKS
By Pam Beesly

So, the other day I was watching TV, and these people were talking about kangaroos, and I watched the whole thing, and you know what's really neat? Those little pouches that marsupials have. I'm kind of jealous, seriously. I mean, I know we have pockets, but nothing on our skin like that, and wouldn't it be handy?

And their pouches are huge and kind of deep, like a big sock or something. And considering that they're for their babies, I guess marsupial pouches are like the Snuggli's of nature, or whatever those baby things are called. That would be so handy, if I ever reproduced. And then the baby could just peek out and wave at people and stuff! How cute would that be? Um, really, really cute, that's how cute it would be.

LIFE AFTER FANDOM: A WEDDING OF HOPE
By Peter Parker

Last weekend saw the wedding of Fandom High alumni John Crichton and Aeryn Sun in their adopted hometown of Cambridge, Massachusetts. It was a beautiful ceremony and it was great to see so many former Fandomites together and dressed nicely.

That's not why I'm writing this.

Despite the fact that a significant number of the guests, wedding party, and the bride were armed there was no violence. No monsters, no soldiers, no drunken friends dropping their weapons and starting a firefight, nothing. It was, plain and simple, a very nice time with friends and family.

If this happened in Fandom, I think the record will suggest that we'd have encountered no less than three mythical creatures of some renown. Probably a minotaur, a gryphon, and a harpy, all in wedding dresses, angry that somebody was taking their special day. And then the wedding party would fight the creatures, probably the Maid of Honor taking the harpy down, the best man fighting the minotaur, and the bride and groom defeating the gryphon to cement their new lives together with violence.

But in Massachusetts, it all went smoothly. John and Aeryn are together now as man and wife, living a relatively normal life. Sure, they're probably going to get weird stuff happening every now and then - especially when they return to Fandom - but it just goes to show that in a life after Fandom even the biggest life events can be normal. If that's not encouraging, I don't know what is.

LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED
By Rikku

Well! Here are some sentences! In English, and in Al Bhed! Stop e-mailing me.

I am a girl. Yes, I am sure! Trust me!
E ys y kenm. Oac, E ys cina! Dnicd sa!

I think I may have broken the internet. Sorry?
E drehg E syo ryja pnugah dra ehdanhad. Cunno?

I was totally winning that argument about the guy from Barry Plodder.
E fyc dudymmo fehhehk dryd ynkisahd ypuid dra kio vnus Barry Plodder.

Is it flu season already?! I hate the flu.
Ec ed vmi caycuh ymnayto?! E ryda dra vmi.

Stop e-mailing me! Right now!
Cdub cahtehk amaldnuhel syem du sa! Nekrd huf!

Until next week, this is Rikku, and I hope that the internet thing gets fixed soon. And if not, at least you won't be e-mailing me.

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Cancer: The following phrases will be important to you in the coming week:

* Men`s Haelth
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Leo: You n33d help in Bed00m. G3t cheap v!agr@ n0w thr0ugh suppl!3r in C@nad@!

Virgo: November 79% OFF. Deadline. Pics. sejtneiz. however, in the age where full-blown cyberculture is not far off. Paraquat Kelly: Bull heads, three red snapper, one pink snapper.

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Pisces: 100% Sa< >fe To Ta< >ke, With NO Side Effe< >cts
N< >o Pu< >m _ps! N< >o Surg< >ery! N< >o Exe< >rcises!
*F _R< >E >< >E B< >m ot< >tles
A< >s s< >een on T< >V
Lo< >ok M< >a, No< >oo Ha< >nd< >s!

The Fine Print
By Peter Parker

Spam filters are a thing of beauty.

Coffee Pin-Up

credits:

editor: Peter Parker
words: Pam Beesly, Peter Parker, Rikku
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the amazing Rory Gilmore, the modest Peter Parker, the great Rikku, and the magnificent Google
adviser: Steve Rogers

Questions? Comments? Complaints? Send a letter to the editor: letters.fhightimes@fandomhigh.edu