THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: VOLUME 3, 3rd EDITION!

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

PETER SPEAKS:

Gremlins.

They are well-known pests who provide entertainment by viciously attacking people, often causing others to viciously laugh at the victims. With recent attacks, there seems to be more of a theme than usual.

Two weeks ago, four male students were attacked and thought they were a barbershop quartet. Karal Austreben, Gavin Darklighter, Jim Halpert, and John Sheppard performed after finding matching barbershop costumes and apparently knew a wide variety of lyrics, the diversity of which suggests that the gremlins specifically wanted those songs.

Just yesterday another mass gremlin attack on student Luke Skywalker, teachers Josh Lyman and Anakin Skywalker (pictured), and radio station manager Johnny Fever resulted in another music-related hallucination. These four, along with droid R2-D2, performed 1970's era bubblegum pop for anyone walking by the park. During this gremlin poisoning, Professor Lyman -- a former Deputy Chief of Staff, our esteemed Student Council advisor, and one of the best speakers on the FH staff -- had this to say about his imaginary time with this imaginary group: "It's, you know, groovy."

Yes, Professor Lyman thought he was a teenage girl. I hope none of you ever have to see this.

The point of all this is that it's clear the gremlins want more than to spread hijinx. They now want to spread musical hijinx. I suggest we start playing gentle classical music into dark spaces and air ducts in an attempt to pacify the little critters and give them the musical enlightenment they so clearly desire. We must do this before they strike again.






Dear Editor,

I would like to write in to show my support of the Pony Rewards System (Peter Speaks, Volume 3, 2nd Edition). Though I would never ever turn down an A++, it must be said that ponies have the advantage of being cute, and also having hair that you can braid. Plus you can teach them math which is both adorable and practical. Though I would hold off on attempts to teach them calculus until they are a bit older. Younger ponies tend to have difficulties handling the concept of x as it approaches plus or minus infinity.

I myself have spent time with a pony and have found the experience to be rewarding, though with some frustrations because when I am with a pony I am not with someone else, and admittedly I much prefer when someone else is around and as long as we're on the topic I'd like to make it very clear that if ponies do get handed out I'm the only one who gets Peter Pevensie in pony form and so help me if anyone tries to stand in my way. I'll risk Detention to stop them. Don't think I'm kidding.

Oh! And whatever happened to gold stars? We should have those too. Gold stars and ponies. But not on the ponies because the ponies might eat the stars and get sick, and then it's sadness for everyone and academic victory now comes at a bittersweet price. We should save our pathos for more appropriate arenas, such as field trips.

Sincerely,
Willow Rosenberg

Editor: Clearly, this is just the tip of the iceberg of support for the Pony Rewards System. The time has come to get some ponies and implement the plan! Ms Rosenberg is also clearly correct on the point of gold stars as well. Perhaps we can start there and work our way up to ponies? I'll leave that to the administration to decide.







LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED
By Rikku

This week's Learn to Speak Al Bhed is replaced by a very important announcement. This week is one of the most important holidays for my people, and I would like to invite you all to share it with me!

The name of the festival is Hu Uha Eh Vyhtus Ghufc So Ranedyka Yhofyo.It's hard to translate directly, it's really idiomatic and emotionally charged for us, but the best I can do is Celebration of Loss Just Before Consumption.

[Ed.: The Fandom Hightimes claims no liability for anyone injured in Celebration of Loss Just Before Consumption celebrations. We also warn that we have no way of disproving that this cultural event is in fact real as our only expert on Al Bhed both insists that it is real and wrote this article.]

The way in which you participate is very simple.

STEP ONE. Find someone who is about to begin eating. Ideally, you should wait until the food is inches away from that person's mouth.

STEP TWO. Run up to that person as quickly as possible and punch him or her right in the face. This is to remind the person that our fortunes may change at any moment, and we must take every opportunity for joy and pleasure lest pain take us.

STEP THREE. Stop immediately and do a victory dance of some kind. This is very important. You are now embodying the joy of stealing someone else's happiness, and delighting in the reversal of fortune which can be impetuous.

STEP FOUR. Once the victory dance is over, run away as quickly as possible. This step is vital in case other people have forgotten what today's date is.

Hu Uha Eh Vyhtus Ghufc So Ranedyka Yhofyo falls on this Friday, October 26th. I hope that you will all celebrate with me! Happy fortunes!



CHEESY POPCORN MOVIE WITH COFFEE SYRUP: ZOMBIE QUEEN OF SEATTLE
****
By Charlie McGee

Does anyone watch zombie movies for the acting? No. For the plot? Ohh, no. Dialogue? When your leading man's most memorable line is "Staaaaahhhhbuuuuck's?" Heh. No, you watch zombie movies for the direction -- or lack thereof -- and the action! Which, even though some of the action takes place at the speed of stagger, is non-stop in Zombie Queen of Seattle. Anyone who's met the real-life zombies at Caritas (or just stood down-wind of them) won't be scared by this movie, but you'll get enough giggles to make it worthwhile.

Here's the set-up: Ex-stripper Tiffy Lee (Ursula Maine, who you've never seen in anything else) wants to be the coffee queen of Seattle, and undermine the other coffee empires across the city. She resorts to voodoo rituals in order to take out the competition, but it goes badly, badly wrong. Intrepid reporter Ty (minor league baseball player Ron Tarrant, in his only film appearance to date) and his buddies must save the beans and the citizens of the city by hacking their way through an army of extras to get to the magic cappuccino maker which is the focus of the magic.

Most of the plot is cut back and forth so often between flashbacks, dream sequences, and the dancing zombie cabaret (who has less talent than the Fandom band) that there's an axe attack or zombie transformation approximately every 3.4 minutes. Playing Spot the Film Crew is also a challenge since they have a bad habit of showing up in reflections or wide shots and occasionally tripping into frame when someone forgets to tape down the extension cords.

But there are a lot of unintentional laughs due to the script lacking all irony when they discuss the living dead and coffee being able to raise them and the make-up jobs of the zombies being less convincing than five-year-old trick-or-treaters. The average Fandom citizen would have wrapped up this zombie plot in twenty minutes, not two hours. It's no Militia of Moonlight, but Zombie Queen of Seattle delivers snickers as well as screams. Dial up Netflix and reserve your copy today!





ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your significant other is cheating on you with your best friend. Go to the dumpster behind Caritas tonight at 10:35 PM for proof.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The squirrels hate you. They will rain acorns down on your head. Seek revenge by setting their fluffy little tails on fire. They deserve it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Your roommate will be getting devestating news from home today. A little investigating might lead you to some useful information that could soften the blow. Be a friend.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Your pet duck hates you. Listen. Maybe if you'd brush your teeth once in a while, this wouldn't happen. And stop taking him on so many walks.

LEO (July 23-August 22): Your BFF is having relationship problems with his/her significant other. To help them, you should go to the dumpster behind Caritas at 10:33 pm. Shirtless.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Take a break today and have some fun. Go to the roof and toss acorns just to see them fall.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): You will discover your roommate snooping through your mail. Who knows what else s/he's been into? Change your passwords immediately and lock up anything you consider valuable.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Your human is tired of you, and cheating on you with another duck. Sorry you had to find out like this. Sometimes, it's just time to move on.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Your significant other is feeling neglected. To cheer him or her up, go to the dumpster behind Caritas at 10:30 pm. Make sure you're completely naked.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Today you will see a crazy person attempting to set fire to poor, innocent squirrels. They must be stopped at all costs.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Your BFF is having a massive fight with his/her roommate. Some people get so paranoid. Take the initiative and step in to mediate the fight. People appreciate your outspoken opinions.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Be careful when eating. Devious tricksters hate you and hate your food, and may try to punch you in the mouth.



The Fine Print
By Peter Parker

If anything happens to me, Peter Parker, in the wake of discussing the gremlin-induced delusions of Professors Skywalker and Lyman, I hereby leave editorship of the Fandom Hightimes to Jamie Madrox. If that happens, no teacher will ever have a moment's peace again. This has been a warning.



Coffee Pin-Up







credits:

editor: Peter Parker
words: Jamie Madrox, Esq., Charlie McGee, Peter Parker, Rikku
adviser: Steve Rogers
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the amazing Rory Gilmore, the modest Peter Parker, the great Rikku, and the magnificent Google

Questions? Comments? Complaints? Send a letter to the editor and your letter may be printed in our next issue! letters.fhightimes@fandomhigh.edu