THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: THIRTEENTH EDITION

[auroryborealis.livejournal.com]

STUCO REPORT
by Peter Parker

I wasn't at last week's meeting so I will be resorting to an age-old journalistic technique and make crap up.

The meeting began with talking about Prom. It was decided that nobody could get in without first rescuing a prince and/or princess from the clutches of the evil wizard Diego McEvilstein. Flowers will be provided for you and your date if you complete the Missing Florist subplot.

Jamie Madrox terrorized Professor Lyman once again with talks of orgies. Professor Lyman went back in time and tried to make sure Jamie was never born, but some sort of paradox prevention thing happened and it didn't work out.

Finally, everyone danced in preparation. We only have a couple more weeks, after all.



LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED
by Rikku

This week in LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED we're actually gonna have a pop quiz instead!!! Don't worry, I put the answers at the bottom of the column, but don't cheat, okay!??

1. The Al Bhed are mindless heathens and it's their fault Sin stayed and hurt lots of people for hundreds of years.
TRUE / FALSE

2. All Al Bhed people have green eyes with spirally pupils.
TRUE / FALSE

3. The Al Bhed really like working with mechanics and technology!!
TRUE / FALSE

4. The Al Bhed all live in a town called Home on Bikanel Island.
TRUE / FALSE

5. You should be totally scared of the Al Bhed because they are different from you.
TRUE / FALSE

Okay, pencils down!!! Are you ready for the answers? NO PEEKING!!

1: FALSE!!! That was just something the Yevonites said because they hated us and it was TOTALLY NOT TRUE. And Sin's gone now anyway, hooray!
2: MOSTLY TRUE!!! If someone's only half-Al Bhed, they usually have one green eye and then one eye of a different color, but their pupils are totally normal!!!
3: VERY TRUE!!! The Yevonites weren't allowed to so I guess we'd be better than them at it anyway but I think maybe we just have a knack for it!!
4: EITHER!! This is a trick question kinda (sorry!!) because we used to live there but it was just destroyed, so we don't any more. That means either answer counts!!!
5: VERY VERY FALSE!!! You should never be scared of people who are different and besides, the Al Bhed are fun and helpful and we have cool machina!

How did you do!?? I bet you did great!!! Caa oui haqd desa! (See you next week!)



THE FIFTH MOST DEADLY BIRD IN AUSTRALIA
by Peter Parker

This week it is time to look to one of the most terrible creatures this world has ever known. That's right, we're taking a look at the hated bird of Australia, the Kookaburra.

They make strange noises, look weird, and if my sources are to be believed*, they are poisonous and can poison you with a look. They are known megalomaniacs and would have taken over the world if not for their arch-nemeses, the koalas.

So here's to you, koalas. Thank you for saving us from the birds with the weird name.

*They're not.






For this week, your two industrious astrologists have decided to look to the Tarot to determine your fate. Isn't that neat!? Unfortunately, Faithful stole the book that says what the cards mean, so we're going to have to kind of guess at what the cards are supposed to represent. That shouldn't be too hard, right? Let's go!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your card for this week is: Eight of Cups. The picture on the card is a woman looking out at the moon. It looks like she has flowers coming out of her hair. Your hair dislikes this, so you'll be emo all week. And scantily dressed. Have fun!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your card for this week is: Four of Cups. The picture on the card is a woman in a blue dress who looks all depressed and is staring down at three cups. Oh, no! She lost her fourth cup! No wonder she's sad. So your lesson for this week is watch for stuff so it doesn't go missing, because you'll really miss it when it's ... missing.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Your card for this week is: Two of Pentacles. There's a triangular Joker-like dude-thing juggling two pentacles and failing. Don't try to start any new hobbies this week, no matter how appropriate they may seem. Also, look in a mirror before leaving your room; just because it will look good in theory doesn't mean it will in practice.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Your card for this week is: Six of Swords. There's a dude in a cloak crossing a big lake in a rickety-looking boat. So, you're on a journey, but a metaphorical one. There's also a white spirit-thing guiding him. Hooray! Your boat has a navigator! You'll never sail alone. Chill out in your rockin' cloak and let the white spirit guy show the way. I hope he's not supposed to be evil since he is white and all.

LEO (July 23-August 22): Your card for this week is: Two of Wands. There's a guy holding onto a pole and looking out across the bay at New York or something. Is New York even near a bay? You're going to be taking a trip to a city, but remember to hold on so you don't get tossed overboard. This may be metaphorical, but I'm not sure how you would be holding on metaphorically.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Your card for this week is: King of Wands. Okay, this card features a very orange-colored king with a dragon in the back. Orange is a nice happy color, so the king is probably good. The dragon means that there's bad stuff waiting behind you. Watch your back. Dragons are after you.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Your card for this week is: Princess of Pentacles. There's a little girl with long hair in a long dress looking all innocent and sweet with flowers in her hair. Your inner-child is about to take over. Stay away from the candy.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Your card for this week is: Princess of Wands. There's another little girl, but she's hugging a stick and her pet dragon is sitting next to her. Oh no! You're going to sic that dragon on the King of Wands! Look, I know you're having daddy issues, but getting your pet to try to eat his face is not the way to resolve them. Try calling first, next time!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Your card for this week is: Five of Pentacles. Two cloaked figures pass by an open window where a family dances. The cloaked figures are barefoot in the snow. If you're the family inside, help out someone you'd otherwise overlook. If you're the family outside, hold on, things will get better.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Your card for this week is: Ten of Wands. On this card, there's a woman wearing a brown cloaky kinda thing, and she's all bent over because there are ten sticks on her back. Whoa, maybe you should lighten the load a little! Sounds like you've got way too much going on. Get someone else to take a few of those sticks, because you are going to ruin your posture.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Your card for this week is: Ace of Pentacles. There's a really odd figure surrounded by flowers, waves, and peacocks. Stay away from alcohol and other mind-altering substances this week. If you're doing any creative writing, though, you'll come up with plenty of creative and innovative ideas.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Your card for this week is: Seven of Cups. There's a woman with an umbrella looking down at seven cups. It's raining, but the ground is totally dry, and all of those cups are filled up with weird colored stuff anyway. Good thing you have that umbrella up, or whatever is in the cups would start flooding. Keep the umbrella up, good work!.

Coffee Pin-Up




credits:
editor: Rory Gilmore
words: Peter Parker, Rikku, Alanna Trebond
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the humble Rory Gilmore, and the magnificent Google
coffee pin-up: http://www.obaahema.com/Channels/food/images/coffee.jpg