SPOTLIGHT ON POLITICS
by Dolf Wega
Mr. Mubarak, the president of Egypt, has promised not to try to become president again. He did that after two weeks of people protesting in the streets and thirty years of ruling without democracy. Sometimes it got violent and people threw rocks and had to set up fences. Real journalists were attacked and probably very scared. But now the Egyptians have a chance at being free of their rulers and choose their own to take care of them.
I saw this and I thought, what about our rulers? Do we really know our mayor? Our bar lets teenagers drink even though there are laws against it. So who makes our laws? Nobody gets to pick who makes the laws here, or at least I haven't heard of it. Except radio, which I guess is a little like the law, but only for embarrassment.
Do we think our leaders are taking good care of us? And what are they doing to take care of us? For this newspaper I will talk to them and I will talk to you about what we want for our island. Are some people too rich and some people too poor? Or are we all the same? And is there enough food for everyone? I know we hand it out free to a lot of people sometimes.
We are a small island with only one bridge. We can't stop watching out and being careful, or we could find ourselves in tyranny too. Let's not let that happen. It is bad enough that this country only has two parties. We don't need less of them on the island.
Next week's topic: Turtle and Canary supplies. Is the shop a monopoly breaking economic competition laws? Talk to me or leave me a message before next week if you have an opinion. This article series is democratic!
by Ellie Bartowski
In Easy 10, a simple lie gets out of hand for the heroine of the film with both comedic and social ramifications.
Not wanting to admit she spent a weekend home alone, the protagonist makes up one teeny fib about losing her virginity to a college boy, and, due to technology and social networking, the news spreads like wildfire. She embraces her new image at first, even donning a certain scarlet letter for the occasion. Only after pretending to sleep with social misfits to prevent them from being bullied and made fun of does her reputation rapidly change. In just a few days, she goes from a nobody to a sexual deviant.
The movie is smart, funny, and endearing, realistically portraying just how quickly high school life can change by nasty rumors and gossip. The writing, acting, and directing are all terrific, with Emma Stone shining especially. It's a teen movie for the technological age with the classic sensibility of an 80s teen comedy, only with less shoulder-pads and big hair.
Overall, this film gets a solid, easy A.
THE DARLING REPORT
by Juliet & Jeremy Darling
Miley has a new tattoo!
It's her fourth one too. Wonder what her parents think about that? Reports as to what it actually is are unclear, although owl seems to be a popular guess. We'll keep you posted! Other than that, this being her fourth tattoo begs two questions. One, is this really the fourth one, or just the fourth one we know about? And two, at her current rate, how long will it take before she ends up looking like a sailor? Slow down, Miley, your skin will still be there when you're in your twenties and all old.
KStew to play Snow White?
Well, guess she already has the experience necessary in playing someone super pale. The dwarf thing might be trickier, though. Maybe they should make Taylor and Robert kneel all the way through the last installment of Dusk to get her used to it?
LiLo caught shoplifting!
Or at least that's what the rumor mill is saying. Since she was wearing the $2,500 necklace around town, though, we suspect it was all a giant mistake and she thought her people had paid for it. Either way, the trinket's back to the store now -- so no harm, no felony?
Everyone looking amazing on the cover of Vanity Fair's Hollywood issue!
As was expected. Who is that random old guy, though, and why should we care about him? Text us if you know. Also if you know where Jennifer Lawrence got that gorgeous dress.
TOWN GOSSIP: Three Minute Dates at Caritas on Saturday night!
So, it's not really gossip, but it's potential for gossip. Go forth and flirt and be scandalous! Do everyone a favor and give this little island something to talk about.
Casting Wraps Up!
The amazing Genesis Rhapsodos has spent the last few weeks holding auditions for a production of Dogs at our own quaint Boards theater. No word yet on our future leading ladies and men, but we hear the theater already has a fan club! Can't wait for opening night.
Snapshot Drop Box!
We can't be everywhere. Email your best candid snapshots to email@example.com and we'll publish our faves.
Hello, everyone! Welcome to the horoscopes page! Now, before we begin with a look into your future, I would like to say one thing. In my research, I found out that there's actually been a change in the classic zodiac signs, due to the stars shifting and changing and stuff. And so these horoscopes include not only the classic zodiac signs, but also the new dates, as well as the brand new shiny Zodiac Sign (everyone say hello to Ophiuchus!); based on when you're from or even which horoscope you like best, you can go by either calendars! The options in your destiny are endless! ...or at least a toss up between two potential horoscopes. Enjoy! <3, Ariel.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) (NEW DATES: April 18-May 13)
Now, see, Aries, you're a ram, which means you're good and strong, but also very stubborn! Be careful to know when to stay your ground and when to let things go someone else's way for a change. After all, there's a big opportunity waiting around the corner for you, maybe something your stubbornness caused you to lose last month. This is your second chance! Don't let it get away!
TAURUS (April 20- May 20) (NEW DATES: May 13-June 21.)
You're a big strong bull, Taurus, but sometimes it's important to show a softer side. No one likes someone who's just always a big BULL-y, so make sure to do something really nice for someone this week!
There was also a lot in the charts about twinkling stars, like a crown or something, so I think you should also have a starlit dinner with the king or queen of your heart, Taurus.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) (NEW DATES: June 21-July 20)
Gemini, as the twins, you're probably always two minds about one thing, and sometimes that's okay, because it means you can usually roll with the punches if it goes either way. But this week, you should really try to make up your mind about something and go through with it with your whole heart, even if it's just something silly and simple like finally deciding that cookie dough definitely is, without a doubt, your favorite ice cream flavor. If you do, lots of good things are headed your way!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22) (NEW DATES: July 20-Aug. 10)
Hey, Cancer! Don't be so crabby! You might just have a bunch of lucky career breaks headed your way, but only if you make sure you're not so shellfish. Be sure to spread the wealth of your newfound success with your friends and loved ones, and you'll have no reason to be so glum.
LEO (July 23- August 22) (NEW DATES: Aug. 10-Sept. 16)
Rawwr! Leo the lion has a right to be in control of his or her destiny, but a partnership is in your best interest this week, whether it be romantic or professional. And this joining of forces will happen so quickly you'll feel out of control, but just let it go and let what will be, be! You'll get your paws on the controls again soon enough.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) (NEW DATES: Sept. 16-Oct. 30)
You're not fooling anyone, Virgo! You may seem so innocent and sweet, but you've got something really explosive and extraordinary building up inside of you! You should let it out and embrace it before it just goes boom and makes a great big mess. Let it out and focus on it until it's the greatest thing ever. I know you've got it in you!
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) (NEW DATES: Oct. 30-Nov. 23)
Everything's in balance for you this week, Libra! Just sit back and enjoy the ride and try not to do anything to knock the scale off kilter! It won't be easy to build things back up to that equalibrium again.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) (NEW DATES: Nov. 23-29)
Whoa, there, Scorpio! You've got a pretty sharp sting, and you know how to use it, but be careful where you put that sharpness. You might end up getting someone who won't be so happy with the pain, and they'll try to reciprocate! Of course, you don't want to pull a complete pushover with the threat of getting squished, so just pay close attention to where you're attacking and where you hold back a little.
NEW SIGN! OPHIUCHUS (Nov. 29-Dec. 17)
Holy crap, Ophiuchus, you're strong! You have the sheer power to take a problem and rip it in half, but be careful that you're not then stuck with two smaller problems in response to the destruction of your one big problem! But, on the bright side, you're just as good at patching things up as you are breaking them apart, so you'll have the ability to fix your mistakes as well as you make them. I say go for it! Having to clean up your mess is a lot better than having to stay in a clean room not knowing what you might miss.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) (NEW DATES: Dec. 17-Jan. 20)
Keep galloping forward with full speed ahead, Sagittarius! You've got great momentum this week, so if you go ahead and pursue what you want to accomplish with no holds barred, you're sure to charge on through the problems and trample them underfoot! Just shoot straight and shoot sure, and you can't go wrong!
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) (NEW DATES: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.)
Don't let anyone get your goat this week, Capricorn! Some people might try to give you a hard time, but it's important to shoulder on through it and stay your ground and not let them upset you. This week might be finacially rich for you, so long as you don't let others get under your skin too much...or into your wallet!
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) (NEW DATES: Feb. 16-March 11.)
The water can sometimes be calm and peaceful, but it can also be stormy and violent. Try to be the calm sea this week, but, if you can't help being tossed by wind and turmoil, at least take solice in the fact that when the waves are their biggest, there's more chance that something new and exciting might wash up on shore as a result! Your storm might just be dramatic, exciting, and full of possibility.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20) (NEW DATES: March 11-April 18.)
Lucky, lucky Pisces! Don't be a dead fish in the water; not with so many opportunities for success ahead of you this week! Definitely go for something, you're sure to succeed, whether it's starting a new hobby, finishing that book, or maybe even taking a certain particular redhead out for something fun and exciting! Just to name a few possible examples of how you can seize the day to your advantage, Pisces!
Outside Perspective: Groundhog's Day
By: Blackagar Boltagon and Cally
Cally: This Wednesday was also a holiday on this continent, known as Groundhog Day. Since neither of us are from this continent, or in my case this planet, Blackagar and I felt it only fair that we educate ourselves on this celebration while also educating our readers.
Blackagar: According to this tradition, the climate patterns of the planet are expected to be predicted by a creature with the same amount of intellectual capacity as a very dim human. Based around the viewing of its shadow on the given day: February 2nd.
Cally: Are they really as smart as a very dim human? Perhaps I've just been lucky in which humans I've met. At any rate, the story goes that when the groundhog emerges from its burrow on February 2nd, if it sees its own shadow, then we're to prepare for six more weeks of winter weather, while if it does not, then we can expect an early spring.
Blackagar: They follow the word of a small mammal based on the chance of clouds obscuring the sun for the one moment it has emerged from its den. I do not believe that is the behavior of an intelligent species. I am glad we have no such traditions where I am from.
Cally: How do they even know whether it saw the shadow or not? Nothing in the Wikipedia indicated that these creatures can speak. I suppose there could be an official Speaker To Groundhogs who has the psionic ability to communicate with animals...
Blackagar: The entire concept is rife with inaccuracies and the possibility for humans to use this to control the minds of others through this creature of near worshiped status.
Cally: It does seem open to exploitation, yes. All one would need to do to guarantee a change in the weather would be to step between the groundhog and the sun, obscuring any shadow it might leave; one could also bribe it with treats to lie, I suppose. I don't like to think people would do such things, but the whole system ought to have some safeguards built in, just in case.
Blackagar: It would be best to simply abandon this tradition and find something with more scientific merit to research the weather patterns. Or evolve beyond the need for it.
Cally: Perhaps, yes. Some genetic modification -- either of the humans or the groundhogs -- couldn't hurt. Until then, readers, we suggest that when accepting information from rodents, you first make sure they belong to an accredited journalistic institution like WTFH radio, or your own Fandom Hightimes. Not that we have any groundhogs on staff.*
*This newspaper practices non-discriminatory hiring procedures. Employment applications are accepted from all interested individuals, without regard to race, colour, creed, gender identification, sexual orientation, species, height, or caffeinated beverage preference. Groundhogs welcome.
editors: Blackagar Boltagon, Cally
words: Ellie Bartowski, Blackagar Boltagon, Princess Ariel of Atlantica, Juliet and Jeremy Darling, Cally of Auron, Dolf Wega
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the amazing Rory Gilmore, the marvelous Peter Parker, the effervescent Rikku, the middling Cal Stephanides, the talented Joan Girardi, the effusive Hoshi Sato, the silent Blackagar Boltagon and the fluffy haired Cally
adviser: Steve Rogers
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